No, I didn’t choose to be bisexual. But I did choose to accept that I was bisexual. It only took about 24 years.
Who knows? Maybe I was younger than nine. I’d put money on it, actually, because I had a “big sister” figure that held a very special place in my heart. I was only two, so I can’t name any sexual feelings, but only an intense love that was strangely comparable to that which I held for my kindergarten “kiss tag” crush or the best friend relationships that would later blur the lines of lovers and friends.
Those closest to me probably don’t know the details. Even if they do, they probably haven’t syndicated the blinding parallels and, for lack of a better word, relationships.
Shit, it’s taken me 24 years to draw these lines. But now that I have, I’m going to share them with you.
“Shhhhh,” she whispered
Smoothing toddler curls from my sweaty forehead
Singing my favorite lullaby
Into the night
Missing, and never found again
The hole in my heart that I couldn’t seem to fill
Even a decade later
Huddled in the walk-in closet
Better suited for dolls than clothes anyway
Dressing our American Girls
“I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours”
It’s all the same anyway
And the door opens quickly
Yanking size 8 jeans over undeveloped hips
Wandering parent eyes drifting over undone buttons
Then, the “curiosity is normal” talk
But, is it?
Best friend cuddles
Sharing a bed on lonely nights
Terrified words scribbled on the whiteboard
“Would Robbie be gay if he wanted to kiss a guy friend?”
Knowing the answer, but seeking invalid validation
An accepting and equally curious “no”
Hopeful engagements, scribbled poems and lofty dreams
The trunk of love, and future, and secrets
And broken locks and loss
Passing notes in second period
Dog-eared and decorated
Secrets scribbled on wide-ruled lines
“I want to kiss you”
And fumbling fear under the comforter
Her parents oblivious outside the bedroom door
Sneaking between shared beds and sharing embraces through the night, always hiding
Hidden, forbidden romance and discovered text messages
Broken promises of escaping reality and together forever
Aching for normal and giving up to search for it
Unrealizing, it was long gone, since I was bi by nine